Release Date: February 13th, 2009
Studio: Paramount
Genre: Horror / Suspense
Rated: R      1 hr 37 mins

CAST:

Jared Padalecki:  Clay Miller
Danielle Panabaker:  Jenna
Amanda Righetti:  Whitney Miller
Travis Van Winkle:  Trent
Aaron Yoo:  Chewie
Derek Mears:  Jason Voorhees

Taking elements of the original three Friday the 13th films, this remake/revisioning of Friday the 13th is what most people would expect.  It's full of boobs, beheadings, bare butts and bongs yet low on quality.

Starting off with a bit of lore, we get a glimpse of what happened and how Jason came to be.  Quickly following that, we join a group of hot bodies looking for marijuana plants in the forest next to Camp Crystal Lake.  Yep, you know what happens.  The credits roll and then we are given a larger group of hot bodies that are headed to the rich kid's cabin that is not to far from Camp Crystal Lake.  Yep, you know what happens.  See, cell phones don't work, hormones are raging and Jason seems to be simply protecting his cash crop. Somewhere in this mess the story tries to take shape with a sexy stud looking for his missing sister and Jason ditches the burlap sack for a hockey mask, but that's about as far as we get.  Drug use, drinking games, debauchery and machete madness all follow. Unfortunately it's exceptionally low brow and it's not very good, even for a slasher film and remake that has the ability to use all kinds of technology to up the gore ante.

The characters are awful.  Jenna (Danielle Panabaker) tries her best to be the nurturing, mature lead as she helps Clay (Jared Padalecki) look for his sister.  While you hope for some backwoods steamy sex to break up the monotony, it doesn't materialize. Instead you get bogged down by the nerdy Asian and the dorky Black dude fawning over the buxom blonde broad that grinds with Champaign bottles.  Oh, Jenna is actually the girlfriend of the whiney rich brat who is worried about getting his Escalade and cabin ruined by the beer games.  When his woman goes off with Clay to help him post Missing posters and snoop around, he decided to bed down the blonde who both of the nerds are gushing over.  Wow, talk about intense.  There's another couple that goes off for some boat-based nookie but their screen time is short - but not before there is topless water skiing!  A few hillbillies litter the screen and the police officer has a few lines of dialogue that really goes nowhere in building the story. Basically, this mashing of Z-grade characters and C-cup breasts are all set up for D-grade deaths in this bad B-movie.

Is there anything good or unique about Friday the 13th?  Jason is much more mobile now and actually runs after his victims instead of being the rural version of Michael Meyers.  And... that's about it.  The comedy isn't comedic, the breasts barely bounce, the dialogue is disastrous, the gore is mediocre and the kills aren't even all that creative. This film is better than Friday the 13th Part VII: Jason Takes Manhattan and a bit more restrained than Jason Goes to Hell, but even the stinkers like Part VI and Jason X are much more entertaining and engaging.

Just barely better than Rob Zombie's horrible Halloween, Friday the 13th simply stinks. Nispel did a much better job tinkering with The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake which lends to the belief that the Friday the 13th concept has never held any real quality in the first place. The Director's cut DVD will be out before Halloween and it will be undoubtedly uncut, unrated and still un-good. Unless Jason is your all-time favorite slasher, don't waste the time or money on this D.O.A. remake.

Friday the 13th (2009)

March 3, 2009

Reviewer: Rottenbucher

DIRECTOR:

Marcus Nispel

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